Mommy, what does “asinine” mean?

I know, I know.  Look Jess, it’s been over a month.  It’s not like I have a bajillion things to do or anything.  But I do love writing.  It’s fun and it’s a stress reliever.  I’m a mother of 5 who just sent two back to school while the ever amazing Clark Kent is traveling.  I’m not stressed.  There’s another word in between stressed and crazy … not sure what it is, but that’s where I am. 

Asinine is becoming an increasingly frequent word in my vocabulary.  So much so that Peanut asked what it meant.  Well, Peanut, that’s what the internet is for.  That and Facebook and memes. 

Definition of ASININE

1: extremely or utterly foolish <an asinine excuse>

2: of, relating to, or resembling an ass

Today that sums up the Memphis Police Department.  Or at least the part that deals with “security” at Memphis City Schools.  I bet you want to know why?  I bet you are thinking that “gee, Jess, that’s kind of harsh.” No.  It’s not.  And here’s why:

MCS knows when school starts.  They set the date.  I don’t.  I think August 6th is ENTIRELY too early for school to start school.  They know.  They know that we need crossing guards.  No shocker.  We had to call everyday last year for almost 6 weeks to get some last year.  We have three.  Or should.  So here it is day 3 of school and of course, we don’t have crossing guards.  So I call.  I’m the PTA President, after all.  It’s kind of my job to advocate for our children.  And their safety.  You know, like safety from getting HIT BY CARS. 

So I called.  Talked to a not very nice officer.  Actually she was quite snarky.  But I was calm.  10 points for me for not going ape on her for her snarkiness.  Anyhoo … she told me that the reason we didn’t have crossing guards is because no one in our zip code had applied to be a crossing guard. 

Wait.  What?  The safety of our children comes down to where employees live?  The irony?  MPD does not even require their police officers to live IN MEMPHIS to be a police officer.  I happen to know one that lives OUTSIDE city limits altogether.  But a crossing guard – a part-time, no appreciation, crappy hours job – must live in the same zip code?  Say it with me – ASININE.  That’s right folks.  Even if there are 50 people in the next zip code over (which, oh by the way there are at least 5 zip codes within a 10 miles radius of our school) who want this job, they can’t have it.  Sorry jobless person who is willing to drive over here.  You can’t have a job.  Our zip code is not acceptable for your paycheck.  Keep on being jobless.  And sorry kids.  Watch out for those speeding idiots who are texting while driving.  No one in your zip code has applied, so it’s every child for himself out there.  We don’t really care that you are crossing a 4 lane road that is a considered a major road by the MPD.  Tough noogies.  Let’s all say it again together … ASININE.  But, no sir.  It’s not about money and politics.  Kriner Cash just wants what’s “best for our children”. 

Fashionable Hats?

When did ridiculous pieces of fabric and feathers stuck to your head become fashionable?   It looks like they took the bits off other hats and stuck them in their hair.  I’m of course talking about the Royal Wedding. 

I didn’t get up at 4am.  I didn’t get excited over Kate’s dress.  I don’t care.  I mean, it’s romantic.  It’s Cinderella.  It’s iconic.  Depressing – poor William going so bald at jus 28.  Timeless.  There are a million words to describe their union.  And many people will.  But oh my Lord at those hats.  Especially his cousins. 

What were those girls thinking?  Especially Beatrice?  I’m pretty sure this conversation happened.  I wasn’t there and will never know, but I am almost positive it went down like this:

Beatrice – Mom, I want to look like the ugly step sister in Cinderella.  You know, the one who thinks she’s fashionable but comes off as ugly and desperate.  Yeah, that one.

Fergie – Oh, well, there’s really only one way to appear as a desperate side show.  And you’ve already accomplished it.  Being my daughter.  No one cares. 

Beatrice – But MOM!  How can people talk about me unless I look absolutely ridiculous?  I need to appear to have a miniature deer’s antlers on my head. 

Fergie – Okay, okay.  I’m going to call a designer who does things for Dr. Seuss movies.  He’ll know just what to do.

Uncanny likeness, no?

Because, you see, that is the only explanation as to what she had on her head.  And why she thought it looked okay.  Googling™ has proven that she often wears stupid hats.  She’s known for it, I guess.   Stupid hats are something to be known for.  Better than the daughter-of- the- second-born-prince-that-nobody-cares-about. 

Please, oh please don’t ever let me have the need to dress like high society.  I’d fail.  I can’t wear leftover bits from someone’s old church hat.  All I can do is look at those pictures and say what I was taught to say if I didn’t have nothing nice to say – “Bless her heart.” 

Long live the Queen

I have joked about the future wife of Prince William.  But I do pity her.  I'm not sure if Kate Middleton ever ponders what she's getting herself in to.  She's going to be Queen of England one day.  Every move she makes will be followed.  Every outfit scrutinized.  Every social engagement gossiped.  Heck, even her bowel movements will probably be recorded.  Who wants that job?  Because you know its there.  "I work at the palace." "Oh yeah, what do you do?" "I keep track of the Queen's BMs.  Got to make sure she's regular."

Okay, okay, probably not.  But she is going from a 'normal' British citizen to eventually becoming the most well known figure in England.  So, how do we as Americans celebrate that?  Make a commemorative doll, of course!  A wedding doll!  But why wait until the wedding?  The secret wedding.  Well, parts of it.  Namely the wedding gown.  Its a special one of a kind dress.  Now we all know that Kate doesn't get a say in any of it.  Just as Diana didn't (I'm guessing).  From the moment she and the Prince got engaged, she became a living paper doll.  So let's dress her up.  This advertisement got a huge laugh from me.  For so many reasons.  So I wanted to share it with you.

"We're going to make a doll.  That's the most American way we can show we approve of the marriage.  With tchotcke."

"We use words like 'museum quality' to trick you into validating the price"

"We want to remind everyone that she was a no one, but in a nice way.  We're calling her an 'enchanting commoner' because 'white trash' was both taken and distasteful."

"We have no idea what her wedding gown will look like, but if we had to guess, this gown from 5 years ago would definitely be it."

"We're going to remind you how secret the designs are so you'll think we're so clever later.  So clever that we think you'll pay $159 for something that may or may not look like the picture you see here."

"Advanced Reservations now being accepted" -- as though they weren't planning this all along.  And as though later you won't be able to buy one of the million they're making.

Making over priced crap to sell to commemorate an event is normal.  But to do it as a "this is what we will do most likely because we aren't even sure what we're talking about" pre-sale.  That's just genius.  Why?  Because people will buy it. You've got your credit cards out already.