So I’m at the doctor’s office today. It’s a check up for the baby (let’s call him Frog, okay?). I’m in the waiting room, with some other people. And let me introduce the lovely couple waiting with all of us. Let’s call them Mr. & Mrs. O (for OBNXIOUS, and because the other good name is taken). Mrs. O is quite far along in her pregnancy. But that is not important to our story. She has a cell phone. One of those with the touch screen and slide out keyboard. And apparently it also has no volume control and is only set to “annoying beep”. Which beeps and beeps and beeps. In the completely quiet waiting room. Where the rest of us have silenced our phones (per the request of the cute little sign that they put up oh, EVERYWHERE). So I text Clark Kent:
Me: No no no annoying person with an iPhone playing a game … Please don’t cut it to silent …. That beeping noise is so pleasant. (*I later figured out it wasn’t an evil fruit product*)
Clark Kent: Passive-aggressive much?
Me: Beeep beeeeeeep BBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP … now she’s texting. Bip bip bip bip bip … The entire waiting room is silent except her phone. I may seriously stab her.
CK: Just start some loud and annoying show on Netflix and set it in the chair next to you.
Me: No doubt! Oh wait … I’m not a rude a-hole.
Then to make things EVEN better she got out a piece of gum, which she starts smacking, grunting – GRUM GRUM GRUM (like that hippo in Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?), and blowing bubbles. I relay this info to Clark Kent.
Me: And now she’s added smacking gun AND grunting while she chews and blows (and pops) bubbles … This is the first circle of hell, isn’t it?
“LOL”? I am pretty sure he’s not really laughing out loud. He’s quietly amused at my situation with the crazy lady who can’t possibly see her rudeness. And of course I can’t say anything. I mean she’s not my race, she’s way pregnant, and this is Memphis. You don’t do that. She’d likely shove that phone up my bum. Really. I’d have done it to her except I KNOW HOW TO SILENCE MY PHONE.
So … we move from that waiting room. Mr. & Mrs. O go first, so I have a few minutes of quiet before they call me back. This is the office of things-take-forever-and-you-wait-more, so after the initial stats check you get to go into another waiting room, this one says “lobby”. And of course WHO should still be in this one but Mr. and Mrs. O. They are there and a couple other people and then a nice lady and her mother. The nice lady is an older mom. I’d say 45+ish. Honestly, I thought she and her mother (who was 65+ish) were waiting on someone else. I didn’t realize she was the patient. Of course, who am I to judge? I mean, when I’m 45 Peanut will be 23, Bean will be 20, Monkey Man will be 17, Bug will be 15 and Frog will be 14. I can’t imagine having a newborn then. Heck, I could be a grandma then. G-ma. What what? But anyway, the nice lady, who has left and come back in the room at least twice gets called to consultation (the last in the 100 step series in the doctors office that means you are almost done). Mrs. O has the same problem I’ve noticed in Memphis since I moved here. People of opposite races must think that the other race cannot hear what they say, or don’t care. I’ve had people talk about me quite obviously and rudely even if I was right there. “I’d just never have 4 kids. Who would do that? That’s just too many kids.” “Some people can’t make up their mind up in this store. What’s so hard, it’s all chips?” … you get the idea. Mrs. O was no exception. She starts in LOUDLY to Mr. O “That woman is too old to have a baby. It might not be nice to say, but it is what it is. She going to ruin her life and her kid’s life.” Mr. O comes back “Yeah, it is hard to say, but it’s true. I don’t know what she was thinking getting pregnant so old.” Mrs. O says “Yeah, it is sad. People like that. I don’t know what she was thinking".” Well … who knows what she was thinking. No idea. I mean, it could be all kinds of things. Maybe she was trying to get pregnant and it took 10 years. Maybe she wasn’t trying and it was a surprise. But to speak loudly and rudely about someone like that when someone else you don’t know is in the room. And what if that lady came back in while they were being all rude? Good thing they didn’t know I was there with #5. I mean, it would have probably made Mrs. O’s head spin. For a minute. Then that amazing piece of technology would have probably stepped in to BEEEEEPPPPP BEEEEEPPPP BEEEEPPPP.
OH MY WORD. Really? Really, people? Because you are breeding. Obviously. And that means you’ll raise more like you. Really? Well, hurray for it all! BBBEEEEPPPP!